Entry number 66

Initially my goal was to keep a daily diary during the period of quarantine but my goal has failed for a while now. I get the feeling that I’m losing my sense of time. Since my house barely receives sunlight due to the high rises on the surroundings, sometimes I don’t know if it is day or night.

At this point, I don’t know how long have I been in quarantine and how long the pandemic is really ongoing. We have taken several lockdowns but the virus never seems to go away or get controlled. Due to mutations, the vaccines haven’t been much effective. I wonder if the virus can develop other symptoms on the infected.

Entry number 67

I gained so much weight in the last months. My neighbours are getting more quiet. But my mind is getting louder. Never have I thought so much about my past, my traumas and the worst things I have done.

Entry number 68

I have been suffering from insomnia for several months now. There are days when even the drugs can’t help me sleep. Sometimes I sleep during the day, sometimes during the night. Sometimes I don’t sleep at all.

Entry number 69

News are spreading that the virus is now capable of inducing certain types of hallucinations on the infected. These can vary very much. Also, some scientists day it can induce insomnia and other sleep disorders. I wonder if I got infected somehow?

Entry number 70

Besides insomnia, I’m starting to have sleep paralysis frequently and it’s terrifying. I feel the urge to scream but I can’t. I suspect that I’m starting to hear some voices, but this could be all this negative thoughts I’m having since the beginning of all this.

Entry number 71

Sometimes, after I wake up from a sleep paralysis, I go to the kitchen to drink some water in order to calm myself. Since I’m already vulnerable due to nightmares and sleep paralysis, these negative thoughts get more intense. I thought that one of these days I heard something like “pick that knife. You’ll know what to do”. Maybe I should increase the dose of my pills?

Entry number 72

There have been increasing reports of suicide during the pandemic and people going to psychiatric hospitals due to mental disorders, mostly schizophrenia. Some say it is an effect of the social distancing while others say it’s another feature of the disease spread by the virus.

Entry number 73

Today happened something to me that really got me terrified. I took my sleeping pills as I always do before going to bed and, the next day, I woke up with scars on my wrists. Some of them were still bleeding. I wonder how that happened? I don’t remember anything! I heard that this pill that I take my induce sleepwalking, but I haven’t heard of nothing like that! Maybe I should go to mental institution too? What should I do?

Entry number 74

I’m afraid of going to sleep now. During the day, everything is almost fine. It is at night that things go bad. I haven’t slept for about 2 or 3 days. It is at night that I start hearing these horrible voices, telling to do terrible things and saying awful things about me. I know I have done bad things in the past, but am I really a monster? Do I have that much guilt?

Entry number 75

I’m at my limit. I MUST go to sleep. I NEED to go to sleep. I haven’t slept for around 4 days. I feel terrible. Guess I’ll just have to surrender, took a good portion of sleeping pills to have a good night. I just hope this isn’t my last entry.

• So this was the last entry on his journal. The death scene, along with the evidence this journal provides, indicates that it was indeed suicide. I’m sorry ma’am, do you happen to know this man?
• Only from seeing him in the elevator and in the common areas of the building. Pretty polite young man.
• So when you noticed the smell of the … corpse?
• Well a few days ago but I thought it was some problem with the building’s sewers. That is why I didn’t called the police right away.
• No problem ma’am. It is understandable. I think we have already all the information we need. Thanks again and have a nice day.